Preparing your relationship for the new year

Relationship Boosters Podcast Episode 12

Show Notes at: www.RelationshipBoosters.com

Developing a Plan of Action and Establishing Relationship Goals

Interview with Dr. Mesha Ellis: Clinical psychologist and certified sex therapists.

Where should you spend the Holidays

Relationship Boosters Podcast Episode 11

Get the Shownotes: www.RelationshipBoosters.com

Episode10

www.relationshipboosters.com

Don’t forget about Intimacy during the Holiday season 

This episode begins our 3 part holiday series.  It is so important to make sure that you do not forget about intimacy

• Create new rituals around intimacy around the holiday

o   Get a new outfit to wear during your next sexual or intimate escapade.

o   Create a list of sexual playdates.

o   Go to your local novelty store and ask questions. 

• Buy a new toy that you and your partner can use in the New Year or during the holiday season
• Love Coupons

o   Around the holidays you can gift your partner a coupon to be redeemed at any time.

o   The coupon can be for any sexual or intimate act.

Nurture Your Relationship

Relationship Boosters Podcast Episode 9

Interview with Jackie Flynn: Jackie is an expert in working with families, children, and couples.

Model healthy relationships for your children

When children are growing up they experience how their parents interact with each other, and this is how they learn to interact with others. This your first opportunity to teach your child, people are for loving and respecting and this is how healthy couples interact

Nurture your relationship

• If you don’t give your relationship time and attention, your relationship can fall apart.
• It is dangerous to be in a child centered marriage. You want to be the best parents, but recognize that being great parents does not need to be at the expense of your relationship.
• The emotional distance and disconnect can leave a loneliness in your partner’s heart.
  • Feeling and fearing loneliness can contribute to people behaving in ways that are against their values.
  • Feeling desperate for emotional release can open the door for other people to enter your relationship, such as having an affair.
    • People begin to feel guilty

Signs that you may not be paying attention to your relationship

• Look for decline in tolerance level.
  • During conflict, you focus on every negative thing about the person, or bring up every time the person has acted in a negative way.
• A conflict avoidant relationship.
  • This can open the door to infidelity and other relationship problems.
• You have begun to lose the passion.
• You begin to engage in the 4 horseman.
  • Defensiveness, Contempt Criticism, and Stonewalling.
    • When stonewalling, you check out.
      • You don’t upset me.
      • You don’t excite me.

What can I do to make a shift to focus on my relationship?

• Carve out time each week to be intimate.
• Schedule time with your husband or wife. Get a babysitter
  • Tell your kids that it’s time to nurture your relationship.
• Deposit into partner’s emotional bank account.
  • Instead of focusing on the negative, say I am glad we are together right now. I am happy to see you.
• Go out of your way to show your spouse that he or she is important.

Being a part of a family, with a partner and children, requires balance:

• Don’t focus on one and forget the other.
• Focus on yourself as an individual.
• Make time for the relationship with your partner.
• Don’t forget to have the time together as a family.
• Your child or children are important; therefore, there must be time for each child.

If you feel like your marriage is in trouble, do something about it as soon as possible. Don’t wait until you feel like “I don’t know if this marriage is going to work.”

• Therapy can be great for a relationship.   When couples go out of their comfort zone, they can become madly in love with each other again. In counseling, you can work to have a relationship better than it was in the beginning.

In a child centered marriage, you grow distant as a couple, because you are not making time for each other. Your child has attention, but they do not get a good template for what relationships are made of, and they will not get the benefits from experiencing a healthy happy family.

A happy healthy family can’t be replaced by money, attention, or anything else. Give this gift to your child.

Resources:

Tune in to Jackie Flynn on The Parenting in The Rain Podcast http://www.parentingintherain.com. You can also find out more by visiting Jackie’s Parenting In The Rain Facebook Page.

The Traveling Spouse with Three Degrees member-Valerie Holiday

Relationship Boosters Podcast Episode 8

Target Audience: Couples in Long Distance Relationships or Frequently Traveling for work

Objective: To give information about what things are helpful when you are or have a traveling spouse?

About Valerie:

*My marriage is Bi-coastal and international. My husband resides in UK, England and I’m in USA, Atlanta.

*I’ve been married 3 times. I am a firm believer of the institution of marriage. I knew there was somebody out there who could deal with me and my lifestyle, and it wasn’t going to wreak havoc on the relationship, because they were going to be understanding.

*1st marriage lasted 7 yrs, I have son who is 33 from that marriage; 2nd marriage only lasted 2yrs there were too many differences.

Currently married 10 yrs but together 14-15yrs

Tips For Relationship and Marriage:

*When you become involved with someone on a permanent basis, you must accept them for who they are as they must accept you for who you are.

*Don’t go into marriage thinking that when you get married you’ll change them.

*You must work on the relationship. If you want it to last, you should invest time, effort energy, and patience. It’s not always 50/50. You might end up with the messy stick most of the time; It may be ok, since you don’t end up with it all the time. A relationship is give and take.

Recommendations to help when you’re apart:

*Make time for each other- Skype has been an absolute blessing

*Call each other to say good morning or good night.

What are things you should plan for when starting a Long Distance relationship:

*Finances are important

*Put money aside for travel

*Plan days off around each other’s schedule

How do you plan to depart from each other?:

*Leave Notes-

-Slip a love note in a bag

-Leave message on the mirror that can be seen when it fogs up

-Get a card

Behaviors or things to avoid:

*Avoid insecurity- If you travel frequently, a secure relationship is needed.

*Avoid Distrust- Develop trust in each other.

*Avoid Poor Communication- Make sure you talk and listen to each other.

*Don’t be lazy!-It takes time and effort to make it work.

Other Tips:

*Be patient

*Have conversation and make the effort to communicate

*Be honest

*Find a way to state a complaint or what’s bugging you

*Figure out each other’s moods

*Don’t go to bed angry

*It’s all about working together

*Support each other in whatever it is that you each want to do.

Benefits to being in a long distance relationship:

*Distance allows you to take a break and rethink what you’re arguing about and see it from the other’s point of view.

*We overdose on love when we are together, because we miss touching each other when we’re apart.

How do you deal with people who are attracted to you while working?

*Keep distance maintained with others.

*State that you’re in a relationship.

*Don’t give your spouse a reason to feel disrespected when they are around. Keep to the same pattern even when they’re not around.

What’s the main thing that has made your relationship a success?

*Communication and Patience

*Recognizing we’re two different personalities

*I’ve got his back and he has mine

Parenting Together as a Team

Relationship Boosters Podcast Episode 7

Successfully navigate the world of parenting together.

How to successfully co-parent with your partner

• Conversations about parenting should begin when a couple is in the early, but serious stages, of their relationship.
• Talk about what you and your spouse want parenting to look like.
  • What type of discipline style do you want to use?
  • What are the family values for you and your partner?
    • Will you have closed doors or open doors in the house?
  • Dig deep. You and your partner should speak about the kind of parents you had. Family origin issues are important.
    • Share your upbringing with each other.
      • Did you feel like the parenting style that your parents used worked?
      • What did you like and what didn’t you like about your upbringing? Why?
    • Strategies
      • Alone time
      • 1,2,3 magic
    • When parents have strong parenting disagreements that are not discussed, it may cause confusion for the child.
    • Be a unified front. It can be problematic if one parent is not supporting the other parent, or if the child recognizes that they are not on the same page. 
    • Establish a system that works for your family.
      • Create structure for the family. Make life more predictable.
      • What are the family needs?
      • What are the needs of the individuals in your family?
      • Come up with a schedule for the family.
        • Cozi App
      • Use strengths as a deciding factor for dividing responsibilities. Dividing responsibilities is not always split 50/50, and taking turns may not be realistic.
        • If you are good at homework, and your partner is good at cooking, then you may be doing the majority of the homework, and your partner may be doing the majority of the cooking.
      • Be playful and use humor.
      • There is no perfect parent. Just do the best that you possibly can! 

The best time to begin discussions about developing a parenting style is prior to having children, and this should be revisited over time.

Having discussions about parenting is extremely important. In many relationships, these discussions never occur.  The failure to address parental differences can ultimately lead to serious problems in your relationship.  If you recognize that you have not had this discussion, and you’re in a serious relationship, this is the time to begin having conversations about parenting. 

Remember, it’s never too late to have these important discussions, and ongoing discussions about parenting is essential.

You can work find out more about Bynia Reed through her website: www.centeredsupport.com

The resources she provided are as follows:

The Conscious Parent

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

Chats with Monika:   How to make your blended family work

Tips to Be Successful as a Blended family

• Be flexible. Being rigid is not helpful.  Your way is not the only way.  There are two parents.

o   Make decisions together.

o    How do you perceive your role as a parent of the child? You and your partner should have a conversation about this topic.

• Mistakes will happen.

o   Don’t throw mistakes in your partner’s face.

o   Talk about what is not working, and how you can work to change those things that are not working.

• Have conversations about what the child will call the new parent. For some people, the word step parent may be harsh. Find language that makes everyone feel included as opposed to excluded.

o   When you don’t say anything, it may bring about uncomfortable feelings. Be open to allowing conversation.

o   Bring the children in and allow them to take part in the conversation.  Allowing children to express feelings and not have penalties for their feelings can be a gift.

o   Model respect by expressing your feelings without being disrespectful. Use this as a teaching moment.

• Don’t allow the other parent (child’s mother or father) to become “Drama” for your relationship.

o   This is the child’s parent, so be careful when having conversations around the children

o   Show respect toward the biological parent.  Do not make negative statements about their parent. Control yourself and your emotions.

• The biological mother and father may not get along, and sometimes this can negatively impact your relationship

o   Allow your household to be a peaceful place by not allowing the other parent “to walk around in your house.” 

• Establish Boundaries
• Conversations about the other parent should not be every moment. Address concerns as they arise. Don’t let it linger and create conflict or ongoing distress.
• Conversations about the child’s other parent should be at an appropriate time. For example, this is not a conversation for date night.

Episode 5:  Let’s Talk About Sex!

Boosting Your Sex Life With Carol-Ann Trotman

Sex is a topic that many couples do not speak about; however, this is a topic that needs to be addressed.  Discussing sex and topics related to sex can help you better enjoy your sex life.  Not talking about sex in your relationship can hinder your relationship in many ways; you are preventing yourself and your partner from having more satisfaction in your sex life.

Many couples share that they do not begin a discussion about sex due to fear of hurting their partner’s feelings; however, even if you do not bring up your concerns, you may still be sending off negative non-verbal messages to your partner. 

How to begin conversations about sex and sexual pleasure.

• Don’t bring it up while you are having sex. This is not the time to have a conversation about your sex life. Bring it up on a date night or at a relaxed time.
• Share with your partner things that you would like to try.
• Make sure you provide sexual activities that you would like to engage in more or less frequently.
  • What sexual positions or activities would you like to do more frequently.
    • Make sure you are open for feedback. Remember, the goal is to make improvements
  • Develop a list, and bring up the conversations to facilitate discussion. Make sure you do not get off track.
  • Play a game that would allow sexual conversations to be more spontaneous.

Sex conversations should be ongoing. Make time to have a conversation regarding sex.

Sex is a topic that you or your partner may experience anxiety talking about; therefore, make the conversation comfortable. Take risks in your relationship, be vulnerable.

Tips To Assist With Sex and Sexual Exploration

Do research on your own to better explore how to enhance your sex life.  You can also do research with each other to facilitate more discussion. 

When having discussions about sex, remember to make it fun not tense.

If you are continuing to experience difficulty, you can always seek counseling services.  In a counseling environment, you can get help with further exploring your sex life.

IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, PEOPLE SEEK HELP.

Carol-Ann Trotman suggested the following book:

Esther Perel; Mating In Captivity.  In this book; she addresses emotional intelligence and understanding your own and your partner’s ideas about sex.

If there are topics that you would like to hear on the podcast, send your emails to podcast@relationshipboosters.com

Episode 4

Dating is something that should occur in every stage of the relationship

Dating and Date night is quality time together to enhance your relationship. Think of date night as intentional play!

• The National Marriage Project has a report called The Date Night Opportunity. They found that couples who devote time specifically to one another at least once a week are more likely to enjoy high-quality relationships and lower divorce rates, compared to couples who do not devote much couple time to one another.
• Date night is one of the many ways to improve maintain or enhance your relationship. It is one of the things that keep couples connected.
• A successful relationship does not just happen on its own. There are things that must be done to further enhance the relationship to keep it new, fresh, and exciting.
• Date night is not time to have a stressful conversation.
  • Don't have conversations about finances, responsibilities, problems with the kids, or sensitive issues.
    • You need to talk about these things, but not during a date.
  • Date night is about enjoying each other.

The most common reason that many couples don’t have date night

• I don’t have time.
• I’m too exhausted.
• My job keeps me so busy.
• I am preoccupied with the kids, and their activities.

There is NO legitimate excuse that will make your partner feel good about being neglected. These excuses send the message that my partner or my relationship is not a priority. Ask yourself, Is your relationship, partnership, marriage worth it?

When picking a date night activity ask yourself these questions:

What can we do that will allow us to engage in deep conversation?

How can we enjoy each other’s company?

What is an activity that we can have fun together?

Is there anything new that we can get ourselves into?

Dating does not always have to be expensive. We have listed some date night examples:

1. Hot air balloon
2. Couples massage
3. Camping
4. Be a tourist in your own town for the day
5. Amusement park

If you are looking for an event, you can always check out our upcoming events. Follow the link http://therelationshipboosters.com/events/

Episode 3

The Blind Passenger

Melissa Tate-Scruse speaks about being a blind Passenger in your relationship.

The blind passenger is when you are on someone else’s emotional rollercoaster.

In a relationship, this occurs when one partner is struggling. The partner may be struggling with emotional instability, aggressiveness, alcoholism etc., and their partner is along for the ride.

• As the partner who is not struggling attempts to figure out what is going, he or she begins to become unbalanced; the partner is blinded by something.
  • Being blinded prevents this partner from recognizing the magnitude of the situation.
• While you are blinded, you are losing your peace, state of mind, and stability.
• Blindness does not allow you to make rational decisions. People are blinded by love, hope, dreams, loyalty etc.

How to get off of the rollercoaster

• Be informed. If you see that your significant other is experiencing difficulty, educate yourself.
• Go to counseling make an informed verses an emotional decision.
• Surround yourself with people who have your best interest and make generally good decisions.
• Listen to the concerns of friends and family members. They may see things from another perspective. Listening does not mean that you share all the details about your relationship. Listening refers to taking their concerns into consideration. You can process whether these concerns are legitimate independent of these individuals.
• • Being blinded prevents the partner from recognizing the magnitude of the situation.
  • Family might not be as blinded by the situation due to the fact they are not as emotionally involved.
  • • Family may not be as forgiving, so be careful about family involvement.
• Ultimately, you really need to have conversations with your partner. Bring problematic or difficult issues to the surface to prevent them from unknowingly running in the background.

In families, there are a lot of necessary conversations that are not happening that stimulate patterns of abuse, divorce, or alcoholism. Make sure that there is room for difficult conversations in your relationship.

Recognize when you fall in love with the potential or the idea of what your partner can be rather than the reality. This is when the reality of the situation does not match your vision. Know that you can’t change others, you can only change yourself.

For more information, you can check out the book Blind Passenger. The book goes into detail about Dr. Melissa’s personal experiences with being a blind passenger. She gives, you a front row seat to her internal struggle as a blind passenger. “She has had to literally and figuratively pick herself up from some raw and shocking situations.”

Episode 2

Interview with Dr. Pauline Belton Establishing Boundaries Boundaries are the cornerstone of any relationship Setting boundaries lets you partner know the things that are important to you. It allows your partner to know what you like and what you expect. It also allows your partner to know he things that make you feel uneasy. When Setting Boundaries Be open or honest about how your experiences shape your world. Share how your feelings have affected you. Communicate your needs to your spouse. Let your partner know the things that make you feel healthy happy and protected Look at your partner like he or she is the love of your life and not an obstacle in your life. This allows you to remain open to their perceptions. It will decrease the defensive response. Types of Boundary Pitfalls Disconnected: When one partner tends to set rigid type boundaries and emphasize self-sufficiency. One person feels “it is all about me.” Overstepping: One person prefers to be more in control in the relationship. The other person will sometimes just go along in an attempt not to cause any trouble. The controlling partner minimizes the boundaries or expectations of their partner. Merged boundaries: The line is blurred. This looks like the lack of individuality, and can lead to being unclear about what will happen in a relationship. Engulfing Boundary: One partner overshadows the other; Only their opinion counts. The assumption is that their partner should go with the flow. This will smother your partner Problems with not discussing boundaries When you don’t divulge the things that make you feel unsafe or insecure, problems can escalate. When you don’t talk, assumptions run free. Remember, the things that you are comfortable with may not be the same things that your partner is comfortable with. This can lead to one person developing frustration and not sharing with their partner, which can contribute to increased problems. You can begin to speak about boundaries at any point in your relationships. As you encounter life, boundaries may adjust; therefore, this needs to be an ongoing conversation. When speaking about boundaries, don’t dictate, have a conversation. Use “I messages” as opposed to you. For example, tell your spouse “I would like to talk about our day when you get home” Overall, Setting Boundaries allows you and your spouse to know what you want the relationship to look like. These boundaries help with establishing the foundation for your relationship.

Episode 1

Newlyweds: tips for after the wedding ceremony

Monika Cope of the Relationship Boosters provides tips and advice for those couples who have just been married.

After you spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, you need to ensure that you are also spending the same time and energy on the actual investment, your marriage. Listed below are some things to consider when moving into the next phase of your relationship.

• Planning for the wedding can take away from your focus on each other; therefore, you need to spend time intentionally connecting during and after the planning of your ceremony.
• Make your relationship a priority!
• Once you’re married, remember it is not just you anymore. You are a part of a team.
• Get to know each other by asking questions.
  • There are always new things to learn about your partner.
• Keep the excitement going by planning small trips and activities together.
  • Make sure you compromise by doing some things that your partner may like.
• Start difficult conversations by coming from a place of curiosity.
• Don’t not let the day to day distractions take away from your relationship

The real work begins when the wedding is all said and done.

This podcast is for those who are interested in improving their intimate relationship. If you are in a relationship, and believe in keeping the spark alive, this podcast is for you. For those couples who are dating, engaged, newlyweds, married, or in a long term relationship, we will focus on enhancing your intimate connection.

Dr. Kia James, will interview specialists, relationship coaches, marriage counselors, and successful couples to bring you tips, advice, and strategies for making your good relationship or marriage better. Of course, these tips can also benefit couples who are experiencing relationship stress. We will cover topics related to successful co-parenting, creating a healthy blended family, dating, sex, love, passion, supporting your partner, and much more. Nurture your relationship and avoid relationship road blocks. Tune in as we discuss relationship tips that will give your relationship that extra boost!